What will you regret on your deathbed? This hypothetical question is one common way to prioritize what to focus on in one’s life. It stands to reason that if you avoid regret and the opposite of regret is satisfaction, then this is a way to have satisfaction. Satisfaction is literally a synonym for both contentment and happiness. In a way, I got a preview of this experience. It made this question of deathbed regrets feel a little less hypothetical.
Regrets When Chances Go Away
Let me go back in time to February 2022. I was laying in bed kind of kicking myself. For the past few years I had been working on an album of music that told a story about coming from nowhere and meeting your partner before you even know who you are. It told a story about making all the mistakes together, seeing the world to know yourself, and hopefully coming out the other side with some love and grace. I thought these songs would be meaningful to others whose stories were similar but I hadn’t quite perfected that one harmony part or that little guitar section. Covid had hit as I had started looking at studios and they had all shut down. There was always something keeping it a bit in the future tense. But in February of 2022 I was laying in that bed going through chemo and I had lost my ability to sing. Bleomycin is no joke and I couldn’t walk to the end of the street let alone hold a tune. Why didn’t I just do that album before cancer when I had the chance?
I Could Have Done It
If you’re a reader of this site you know that cancer aside, I had plenty to be grateful for in life. After much work to accumulate some finances, I had claimed financial independence a few years prior and had time to do lots of things I’d always wanted to do. I had also had more time to spend with my wife and kids. I knew that even if treatment were to go sideways on me that my family would be ok financially. These were all of course huge sources of satisfaction and comfort, thank you financial independence. It had given me more means to control my life and time. It had taken away some of my stress and given me the space to do many things. But why hadn’t I done the one thing I had wanted to do most? Why hadn’t I finished that album? Why had I taken my voice for granted?
Why We Don’t Do What We Want Most
I think there are lots of reasons why we don’t do the things we say we want most. Sometimes, we don’t actually want the reality of the thing but like the idea of the thing. Sometimes part of us fears or resists change or newness and we create our own barriers. I believe that, for me, not finishing the album meant I could sit in the warmth of potential rather than in cold judgement upon having delivered. The potential of how good I knew my songs were going to be was a great feeling. But actually doing them meant facing imperfections in the result and having to be vulnerable. I also had seemingly all the time in the world to complete the songs. Maybe I’ll just do this other side project rather than the thing I have been building toward since I picked up that first guitar with a missing string in my parents basement at age 14.
Taking the Easy Path Until You Get Slapped in the Face
Cancer was a slap in the face for me that your time is limited. Conditions can change that make your dream impossible. It clarified what I would regret not doing. It also taught me to get over myself and just be happy to be here and have some agency for a few years, whatever it looks like. I am now 3 years cancer free and worked hard to get my voice back to where it was. Honestly it took awhile. I made demos and convinced a Grammy nominated producer to work with me but he was booked 8 months out. So I waited some more. I spent months trying to find a singing partner who wanted to do the project and wasn’t touring or moving to Italy. I have now been in the studio for the last 6 months delivering this project.
I’m gonna put the first single out on March 21st (pre-save on Spotify or Apple Music with this link if you like) and unlike past music that I only played for family and friends (to rave reviews from my mom), I am actually going to put a real marketing effort behind this one. After the undertaking to make this music, I feel like I owe it to the effort to give it a chance to be heard. I even made this fancy new website 🙂
Commitment Leads to Work Leads to Learning
To do this thing I had to commit to delivering rather than wallowing in potential. I’ve had to commit to saying that this is important even if some people are going to write it off as frivolous or vain. However, I have learned so much that I feel like I’m back in college:
- I have learned an incredible amount about making music, recording, mixing, and mastering.
- I have learned about setting deadlines versus spinning wheels.
- I have learned about collaboration and and letting go of control purposefully for better results.
- I have learned about how self doubt can bias your judgement and literally deceive you in the moment.
- I have learned when something is actually done vs when you feel done.
The Reward of Doing Things You are Good At
If I put humility aside, I’d say that I think I am a good musician and songwriter. I have been doing it since I was 14 and I love it. The part I love is sitting down alone with a guitar and expressing something better with music than could be explained with just words. I share this not to brag but rather to say that there are rewards to doing things that you are good at.
- I’ve worked harder than ever on this project but it feels energizing rather than draining.
- It is really fun to work with others who understand things like you do in a niche area whether it’s music, or bird watching, or a shared love of dinosaur origami.
- The time slips away and there can be times of just pure joy and flow state when doing something you are good at.
Doing Instead of Regretting
I think asking what you might regret on your deathbed can be useful and it is worth looking honestly at the reasons you are not doing that thing right now while you have the chance. Perhaps you don’t want it that much after all and can make peace with that. Or perhaps there are fears or excuses that you have not examined. I am hoping to inspire you to face the barriers and do it now while you have time and health to do so. Getting a second chance to do my own has yielded great rewards both in growth and just straight up joy. I’ll also leave you with an ask.
The first song from this project comes out on March 21, 2025 on all the streamers. Please listen to it and please share it to everyone you know everywhere you can. It’s free, maybe it will make people feel connected amidst division, and getting it heard will just bring a big smile to my face. Also feel free to sign up here to get notified as I completely mix and release each tune over the coming months 🙂
