How To Get Six Pack Abs For Free!

I was recently watching a movie where Kevin Hart first sees the Rock 20 years after high school.  “Dude, you used to be fat Robbie…this is like a total transformation…what did you do…come on man give it to me,”   The Rock laughs and answers, “I didn’t do much really…alright well I just did one thing.  I worked out six hours a day every day for the last 20 years straight.  I mean anybody could do it right?”  Kevin looks a little deflated and says that he has just been getting into hot yoga a little bit.

The crazy thing about fitness is that it is super simple but takes lots of discipline and follow through.  In some ways this is very similar to trying to save and invest when you are starting from zero.  It kind of feels like what’s the point…until that compound interest kicks in.  For me the hardest thing about these diet and workout things is not the working out. It is the feeling light headed for a few months while shedding weight.

I try to keep reasonably fit but this year I thought it was finally time to go for something that I always told myself I would do one day.  It is time to try for…the elusive six pack abs.  You know I always wanted to see what it would take to get a six pack. As a bonus, if I ever want to do laundry the old timey way, I would always have my washboard handy.  Also, I figured the longer I wait the harder it is going to get.  Middle age chases me down like security on a shirtless fat guy who just jumped out onto the field in the middle of the world series.    

Selecting The Best Six Pack Workout

If you are like me, the first time you stepped into a gym what crossed your mind was that there is lots of energy being wasted. Big weights being lifted only to be set back down wasting all that potential energy. People running 30 minutes without going anywhere. This whole gym should power itself rather than anything needing to be plugged in at all! I also have to confess that I have always been more of a fan of the guerrilla workout like in Rocky 4 where he trains in Siberia running through the snow pulling wagons and chopping wood.

Best Six Pack Workout Show Me The Data!

As a data driven dude, I assumed that I could turn to science on this one.  After all fitness is even a college major renamed kinesiology to give it a science halo.  I assumed that I could find research into the optimal workout regimen and then just put in the work.  What I found is that the world of fitness training is dominated by marketing and testosterone and short on science.  Sure every body type is different, and it depends on your personal fitness and goals, but is there no optimal formula for a six pack after over 100 years of kinesiology research?  Isn’t this like one of the most common workout goals?

The answer as far as I could gather is no there is not.  It also kind of felt like cheating to just buy one of those t-shirts with a six pack airbrushed on.  So instead I turned to my sister who is a workout terminator. She sent me a 20 pound box full of workout programs.

Comparing Insanity, P90X, Spartacus

P90X claims that it is going to use “muscle confusion” to prevent me from ever hitting a plateau.  “The more you confuse the muscle, the harder your body has to work to keep up.”  Damn, I hope that my muscles are easily duped because then I will be shredded in no time.  Insanity claims to be “probably the hardest workout ever put on DVD.”  But wait then the same dude released Insanity MAX, which is much shorter but I assume has to be even harder? 

“No no no, not six. I said seven.  Nobody’s coming out with six minute abs.  Who works out in six minutes you won’t even get your heart going…Seven is the key number here.”

-the serial killer from There’s Something About Mary

My favorite of everything that my sister sent me was the Spartacus workouts.  The covers feature a bloody and muddy shirtless guy in a leather loincloth wielding weapons.  Is this S&M or am I working out!?  This workout claims it is going to “demolish the flab that covers your abs.”  This “metabolic nightmare,” is going to “light your muscles on fire,” with exercises like “the belly crusher,” “the sweat storm,” and “The Gladiator Gauntlet.”  

Since all these guys in all these videos are shredded and they seem to throw science right out the window to get there I decided that I would just try them all and see what I liked.  I will workout every day for 3 months and that is sure to get me there.  The Insanity program is only 60 days after all and the P90X is supposed to take you from Christian Bale in the Machinist to Christian Bale in American Psycho in only 90 days.  Hence 3 months should totally do it.  It turns out that I am a total inspiration because my lady agreed to join me in this 3 month adventure…ok fine it was her idea 🙂

Six Pack: The Before Picture

Before starting I had to take a before picture.  To do this right I should have really pushed out my gut and taken the pic at a low and super unflattering angle but you can’t win them all. Here is some reality:

I know I am not exactly starting from biggest loser territory here but hey you work with what you have.

Six Pack Abs: Month 1 Update

I have learned quite a bit already and set down a decent foundation.  The Spartacus workouts may be a bit much so I am saving them until month 2 to give those a try. 

P90X is a bit slower moving than Insanity and Shawn T (the guy from Insanity) is way less douchy than Tony (the P90X guy) so I have to say I am favoring Insanity.  Why is it that every workout guy gets all grabby on the workout models?  It is a bit unnerving when I am feeling the burn, sweating like fat bastard in a sauna and the workout dude is touching on some lady’s abs or thighs and noting how nice and tight they are.  I also hate how you are forced to watch ads for workout shake packages and online coaching at the beginning of every workout.  Then at the end when I am tired and vulnerable, I am encouraged to drink my recovery formula shake and log on to beach body dot com.  At this rate I will be brain washed by month 2.

I have learned that working out every day is tricky because you risk injury unless you vary it up.  I stretched well and roughly used the workout calendars from P90 and Insanity as guides to prevent overworking one muscle group too many days in a row.  However, I have also been mixing in some running outside workouts of my own when the day is nice.  Adrien!!!!

In month one I have lost 7 pounds.  Not bad so far but I still only have a one pack.  Part of this weight loss is just me trying to eat marginally healthier and not letting myself eat anything after dinner all month.  It was amazing how much night snacking was hurting my chances at washboard glory.  I am not dead inside though. I did eat a nice cheeseburger and fries halfway through the month and it was pretty great. 

 I will say that losing 7 pounds in a month is similar results to when I have done some ketosis diets in the past except I don’t feel light headed and angry.  Instead I get to eat and my metabolism is just cranked up to 11 like a Physician on Fire Guest Post.  

Six Pack Abs: Month 2 Update

I have started to work in some of the more “advanced” workouts now that I have a pretty good foundation.  We are doing dry February (no drinking) which should only help my journey toward my Brad Pitt in Fight Club belly.  Also those shake ads are looking pretty tempting and I may even have to start guzzling recovery formula and logging on to beach body dot com.

I tried that Spartacus video and have to say I was kind of let down.  Either I am actually getting in shape or it is way easier than Insanity or even the P90 videos.  I am bummed because I bought the leather loin cloth and everything.  Oh well.

My one pack is really starting to look like a sixpack albeit still covered with a bit of flab.  Damned middle age body.  Did I mention that Nietzsche once said, “The belly is the reason why man does not mistake himself for a god.”  He must have been like 41 when he wrote that.  Also wait Nietzsche that’s your only reason?  Arrogant much?        

Six Pack Abs: Month 3

When the pandemic hit, I had to cancel a few thousand bucks in airline flights and the vouchers have been burning a hole in my inbox.  So when my lady and I started this challenge, we decided to incentivize ourselves with a beach trip.  What better place to show off my walnut cracking, beer bottle opening ab valleys than beautiful Key West, Florida. This gave me an incentive to be ready for the beach. Hey stop scrolling ahead to see my after pic.  Wait for it dammit.

After dropping a few thousand dollars on shakes, internet coaching, body wax, and…”psyche, kiddin’ Thought I took a spill, but I didn’t ha ha ha.”  Somehow I resisted trying to purchase my way to victory. I just kept working out for free in my basement over this whole challenge.  I know the lack of spend is slightly un-American but deal with it.  By month 3, I can honestly say I learned some useful tips on this little workout adventure. 

Tip#1: Use a workout program.  

Yeah that’s right as much as I bashed these things earlier in this article it works to have a video or audio coach of some sort.  When one of my rental properties burned, I had to go back to the midwest for some rehabbing work on it.  I didn’t have dvds with me and it just plain sucked and was hard to push myself without ’em.  Having someone on a screen gently barking at you and seeing a bunch of fitness models crushing it held me accountable and gave me a comparison to make sure I was pushing myself.

Using a workout program might have also kept me from hurting myself. The only times I had muscle aches and sore joints over this 3 month mini adventure were when I went on overly huge runs around the mesas here in Colorado and did my Rocky 4 workouts. The rest day guidance once a week, the sets, and the stretching on the DVDs probably are to thank for preventing shin splints and pulled muscles. So as much as I bashed the lack of science, there has to be something to me losing over 20 pounds in 3 months and not getting injured right? I still am not recommending a particular workout plan but hey your trusty public library probably has most of these for free woohoo.

Six Pack Abs Tip #2: Wake and Workout ASAP!!!  

By month 3, this thing started to get old.  I knew every bad joke and every line on the dvds by heart.  I had days where I actually hated every minute of the workout.  On my biggest fail days, I would wake up and eat a bigger breakfast thinking I was going to fuel my workout.  The day would drag on with the workout hanging over my head.  Once or twice I ran out of time in the ultimate fail. It’s pretty sucky to have a workout hanging there over my head all day and then not fit it in.  Ugh.  However, every time I started a workout I never stopped mid way without finishing.  Just get that ass in there and do the first set and autopilot will get you through it.  And yes I am actually talking to myself here.

Ok Let’s See Those After Photos!

You may be disappointed and surprised to see some rare internet honesty but I didn’t exactly make the cover of Men’s Health. I don’t know if I can fairly call it a six pack, but I did lose 23 pounds over this 3 months (yeah that does deserve some bold).  My abs are not going to stop traffic but at least they will offset my vampire like pale-ness on the beach hotness meter.  I ate somewhat healthier but didn’t have to starve myself either.  

The Real Benefit of Six Pack Abs

This may sound silly but my improved fitness body has benefits beyond my many new insta followers and immediate tik tok stardom.  When a snowstorm dropped a few feet of snow on my driveway I could shovel it effortlessly.  I float up and down stairs now. When I get up from laying down, it’s like there’s a string attached to my head.  Who would have thought that muscles actually have functional use beyond pure vanity!?  In all seriousness I kind of got a glimpse of why body builders push for insane physiques.  It is kind of cool to see your body just transform. You feel great and your body is able to do kind of amazing things.

I created my dad bod through a couple of years of kind of lazy habits. So, it may take longer than 3 months to get totally chiseled but this has been a fun mini adventure. It was not complicated to work out for these 3 months straight. I just had to whip the inner mental lazy dog into action every day and then the body followed.

Covid kind of limited some options over the past few months. However, this was something on my bucket list that I could do.  I am going to call it a victory.  I don’t know how well I will maintain this machine. But, I don’t think I am just going to start eating pizzas on the daily and stop working out entirely.  Time will tell.

Have you undertaken any adventures during Covid that you’d like to share in the comments?  Perhaps like many you put on a few pounds?  No judgement here, this has not been an easy time.  Even staying reasonably sane is a win and I hope my story at least gave you a laugh 🙂