Um…I Have Cancer

As I slid into the MRI machine, it closed in around me.  Radiohead came on in my headphones singing “What the hell am I doing here…I don’t belong here.”  Talk about the perfect lyric, I thought.  I don’t feel like I have cancer.  So many friends and family tell me that I am the last person that they would think this would happen to.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  It was certainly not part of my plan.  Shortly before Christmas I was blind sided with testicular cancer.  I had an ultrasound on a Tuesday that showed something and I was in for surgery by Friday.  As I was waiting in pre-op, I found out that it had spread to other areas.  Hence, me sitting in the MRI waiting to find out if it was in my brain (thankfully it was not). 

My silver lining is that I will most likely live.  However, there is that minority percentage.  Sometimes when I am laying awake at night, that percentage is the one that screams.  I think about my kids, my wife, my family.  They need me and I have too much love and life to give.

I usually write on this site about successful habits, building wealth, practicing happiness, and seeking an adventurous life through applying one’s self.  I like to think that I have some useful knowledge to share in these areas.  However, when it comes to this cancer, I’ll admit that I have no idea what I am doing.  All of my cleverly placed dominos so neatly arranged and then a big slobbering dog comes running through the door.  I am trying to learn as I go and I have never felt more vulnerable.  

Asking For Help

I am not great at asking for help but I am working on that…  If you have been through testicular cancer and have any advice, stories, books, blogs, etc, that you would recommend I’d love to hear from you.  I start 2-3 months of chemo tomorrow 1/24/22. As you read this there is a good chance that I am on an IV getting mildly poisoned while simultaneously getting built up by steroids. If this site has meant something to you and you want to offer a few words to give me a boost please shoot me a private message ([email protected]).  I’ll take anything that I can get 🙂  

I don’t know how much I will feel like writing over the coming months.  I’ll have lots of time and may love the distraction.  However, I may also not have as much energy or focus and may just fall off for a while.  So I want to make sure that I at least share some things that have been on my mind before the storm starts back up. 

The Paradox of Life

I don’t want to die.  I don’t mean from this cancer, I mean ever.  The more you build in life, the more you leave behind.  Why would I ever want to leave?  However, it is inevitable.  Paradoxically, this may be what makes life beautiful.  Death is actually the very reason that we get out of bed in the morning.  Seize the day.  Why?  Because you only have so many.  The great paradox of life is that it is precious because it is finite.  However, the fear from this awareness is sometimes the very thing that holds us back from being most alive.  Hence, we fall into a habit of operating as though we have all of the time in the world until we are jolted back into the present by a reminder.  The most beautiful may be so because it is the most improbable and fleeting.

A Premonition?

You want to hear something creepy?  This is part of a post that I wrote this summer from a beach in Costa Rica:

When I left my job 2.5 years ago, I recognized something. If I got cancer tomorrow, I would not regret if my career ended up being only 15 years instead of 20 or even 35.  However, I would regret time lost with family while my kids were young.  I would regret weakening some of my relationships that I assumed I had infinite time to repair someday.  I would regret not having done some of those childhood dreams, travels, and, adventures.  I don’t know how much time I have left in the bank but I get to make choices that build what the future looks like. I am grateful for that opportunity.  As my own needs change over time, I hope to pursue them without grand revelations or regret.

I have a similar prophetic quote at 1:20:40-1:22:47 in this podcast that I did with some friends this summer on Mile High FI.

Did I already have the cancer and somehow subconsciously know it?  Nah.  I have just known for a long time that the statistical odds are about 40% that you will get cancer at some point in your life so it seemed like a good example.  

Financial Independence and Achieving Dreams

I love that bit I wrote above about pursuing my needs without grand revelations or regret.  Take a moment and think about the measure of comfort and peace that position brings when your life gets knocked over by one of those big slobbering dogs like my cancer.  At the risk of coming off as self congratulatory, understand that the guy saying that already achieved financial independence several years back and has been spending the last 3 years outside of traditional work.  He has been focusing on being a better human.  He has been trying to responsibly build happiness.  He has made some awesome memories with his kids, and he has been in the fortunate position to pursue some really joyous and weird childhood dreams such as joining a dinosaur dig, or diving for sunken treasure.

Financial Independence When You Get Knocked Down

The promise of doing fun adventures and sitting on beaches is kind of the sugar that helps the medicine go down for most as they diligently save and invest on the road to financial independence.  However, we think much less about that big slobbering dog that could come running through at any moment.  The big bad surprises that kind of change everything.  While financial independence empowered me to responsibly fund some adventures, in many ways dealing with slobbering dogs may be when financial independence helps the most.

I am about to lose my hair and look like a zombie for a few months.  How would I hold down a job while going to chemo for 6-8 hours a day some weeks?  My wife too will likely need to scale back to support me and she will have to do all of the day to day stuff that we used to split between two.  

Three of my scans and the very ultrasound that found my cancer were all initially deemed “not medically necessary,” by my insurance company.  I was literally in the waiting room for one scan on the day of my surgery when I got a call saying that the scan was denied and I may have to pay $13,000 out of pocket if I do it and the authorization fails to come through. What do I do?!  This is where financial independence really helps.  We can focus on the things that matter most in these times without fearing whether we will go bankrupt or what will happen to our careers.  

This is not the glamorous lifestyle that motivated me when we were saving and investing the majority of our paychecks in our 20’s.  When I started rehabbing properties in the evenings after work in my early 30’s, I didn’t know that I would get get cancer at 42.  Still, here I am and never has it been more important to me to be financially solid.

A Call To Action and The Real Power of Financial Independence

Empowered by financial independence, I set out 3 years ago to start working for myself for happiness rather than working for others for money. I have had the opportunity to re-design my life and spend this time doing exactly what I wanted to do. What a gift! I have traveled, made music, met some new friends, explored the outdoors, gotten in shape, written a screen play, learned Muay Thai, taught some college courses, and shared experiences with my kids. I have also learned a lot about myself, what motivates me, and what I thought I wanted but really don’t. The pursuit and realization of financial independence empowered me to do this. I am grateful for these experiences. None of us knows how much time that we have left and many things fall by the wayside when life or health of loved ones is suddenly in jeopardy.

Cancer has a way of immediately distilling one’s priorities to the critical few. For example, ever since I was little I have been casually collecting a loose set of features that I want in my dream house. I plan to build it some day. However, I remember sitting on the couch watching a show about amazing homes with my kids right after getting my diagnosis and thinking, who cares where you live? Health, time, the wellbeing of my kids, lazy mornings talking with my wife, that’s a home. The rest is just window dressing.

Money certainly isn’t saving me from this life shock and its ongoing challenges. However, it can cushion the blow. Financial independence means that I know my kids will be provided for. I know that we can go through this time without worrying about paying the bills or damaging a career necessary to support our lifestyle. While this is not the rich life that was on my mind in my 20’s or 30’s while working toward financial independence, it may be the biggest benefit. Life is precious and beautiful. I plan to be around for as long as possible. While I am the example in this article, it’s really not about me. I am merely offering it up for you. My hope is that this piece inspires you to action…Now excuse me while I go beat the crap out of this cancer.

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